//Why hello there, I am the narrator, and I would like to ask you something...
Do you ever find yourself to be absolutely bored with life every day but lack the drive necessary to pull yourself out of your repetitive cycle of lazing about whilst at the same time despising yourself for this method of living you have somehow effectively trapped yourself in?
It doesn't matter. I was being rhetorical. No matter how you decide to live your journey to death we could all use some help with some proper decision making.
Not that I will help you with that in any capacity. The situations and outcomes you will be presented with will be far too ridiculous to provide any sort of learning experience. Even better, based on the natural tendency of our brains to decompose you'll lose a good few thousand neurons as you play through this. Neurons you could have used for a multitude of other tasks. Yet you're still here for some reason. Well, granted the opportunity of having your attention I suppose I should tell you that in order to have a "happy ending" in this game is for you to simply have a good day. Knowing this, would you like to hear your story?//
[[-Yes -> 1A]]
[[-No -> 1B]]
I wake up for the fourth time today and find I'm too thirsty to drift back off to sleep, so I sluggishly drag myself to the sink. I look at the clock, and it's a quarter to noon. I debate going to work. I wonder if anyone at work has even noticed I'm late.
In fact they probably wouldn't notice if I didn't even show up. They'd just give that stack of paperwork that goes to me to someone else.
I suppose I could do something more adventurous for a change. Something exciting.
[[-You deserve this. Go to work and be sad -> 2A]]
[[-Eat an entire box of poptarts -> 2B]]
[[-Go outside and listen to birds -> 2C]]
I decided not to hear my story, especially since it was going to be dictated by that snobby narrator that for some reason seems British to me. No thank you.
[[-Narrator's note -> End1]]I drive to work and find myself far more apathetic than normal. Why am I going to work? What am I trying to accomplish? I have my savings, I could last a good while on my own, and why don't I?
I reach the intersection where I turn left to go to work. It'd be so easy to turn the other way. So... Easy...
[[-No I'm a dull dimwit and I'm going to go to work -> 4A]]
[[-Turn right -> 3A]]
[[-Ram into a nearby telephone pole -> 4C]]
I find an unopened box of poptarts in the pantry. I open them up and eat them all. It wasn't even that hard. This was a stupid idea. I'm going back to bed.
[[-Narrator's note -> End2]]
Screw work. Nature's a wonder and it's right outside my window. I open it up and for the first time in a long time I really notice the birds singing. No single bird seems to agree upon one song, but their melodies individually are so soothing and gleeful I decide to join along too.
Unfortunately upon hearing my song the birds suddenly seem to agree on something, which is that my song is incredibly unpleasant, and decide to peck me to death.
[[-Narrator's note -> End4]]
//British? Snobby? You think I'm bloody snobby? I'd wager two pounds that you're more of a snob yourself. Oh what does it matter? I'd rather relive my days drinking sub par tea in the bloody colonies then warrant any amount of worth towards the pile of rubbish that is your opinion. You bugger.//
//Well that was quite the impressive display of unimpressiveness. If this is anyway similar to your decision making in real life then I'm afraid I must be the one to tell your life will likely be much longer but just as boring and depressing as your story here turned out to be. For your own pride's sake I recommend you trying something not as blatantly idiotic on your next go about it. If, on the other hand, you are satisfied with this ending and consider this a win, then in regards to how you shall perform for the rest of your life I'd like to wish you a most fatuous and sarcastic "Good Luck."//It feels like I didn't even make the decision. My muscle memory follows my natural tendency to go with the flow regardless of where it leads. As a matter of fact, why would I choose this? What kind of idiot would make this decision when there's so obviously something more interesting around any other corner? Well I suppose the "me" kind of idiot would do that. I break free of my inner monologue to discover I've already walked up to the office's revolving door and am about to step in, ready to conform to expectations for yet another day. Yet I stop for a moment, and debate whether or not the free air calls for me.
[[-Go inside. -> 6A]]
[[-Slam the door closed and go on an adventure -> 6B]]Yes! Adventure calls and I must answer. There's nothing but the open air and endless possibilities for me ahead. The world is my oyster and the pearl inside my birthright! Whatever shall I do?
[[-Go find a nearby baby and kiss it on the forehead out of love for the world -> 5A]]
[[-Start golfing -> 5B]]
[[-Drink copious amounts of alcohol, take mind-numbing amounts of drugs, etc. -> 5C]]Foregoing my better judgement, I put the petal to the metal and feel the adrenaline rush as the telephone pole rushes to meet me. At the last moment the adrenaline rush fails me and I wonder if there's some higher power out there. Some power that has willed into their master plan that I, on an impulse decision, drive into this telephone pole. More importantly, why the hell would this be part of their plan? This isn't pleasant at all.
[[-Narrator's note -> End3]]
I go inside. I work the remaining five and a half hours of my day and go home. It's just the same as any other day and I'll probably do it again tomorrow.
[[-Narrator's note -> End5]]
At that moment I realize that there are few ways to more effectively assert my lack of masculinity and intelligence than by trying to slam a revolving door closed.
And now that I've had my emotional fit in public I find myself doubting my motives of adventure calling.
[[-Go to work in shame -> 8A]]
[[-Go home in shame -> 8B]]
//While I don't agree with your particular method of problem-solving, I certainly can't deny its effectiveness. You did manage to stop yourself from continuing your lifeless job by becoming a lifeless corpse. Although I believe it to be a correct assumption that in your real life you'd implement some other way of avoiding work. Which I recommend.//
//While you're moment of musical liberation was short-lived and brutal, from my perspective it was hilarious. So feel some enjoyment in the fact that your sudden demise led to a good laugh for someone else, and for that I wish I could say you went out on a high note, but your note was both baritone and so off key you managed to make every bird in your neighborhood resort to murder rather than hear it.
Which is far more impressive a feat than I could ever manage, so congratulations to you sir!//I walk in. Eyes cast downwards desperately wishing I was back to being the one no one noticed. I make it to my desk and sit down. I haven't been this humiliated since I was pantsed at my high school graduation ceremony. Is everyone looking at me? They have to be, don't they? But I haven't looked up yet. What do I do? What do I do? What do I-
"Hey," says a friendly woman's voice, cutting off the panic loop going on in my head "Ummmm, what was that you were trying to accomplish with the door?" I still don't look up.
[[-"I was mad at my life decisions and tried to slam the door without realizing it was a revolving door" -> 10A]]I sulk and turn to walk home. However when walking back to my car while not paying attention to my surroundings I look up to see I'm about to be hit by a stroke of good luck in the form of an oncoming bus. Neat.
[[-Narrator's note -> End7]]
//Pardon me my friend, I do really wish to insult you based on the dreary perfomance you just gave. But based on how depressed I was from merely watching that fantastic display of pathetic lifestyle choices I imagine you must be feeling far worse yourself.
In fact, never before have I seen a more deliberate attempt at making oneself unhappy. To me your mind is an enigma of despondency that exists only to confuse me.
And as a disembodied narrator I cannot offer you a hug, but I can offer you some advice. Pease make yourself a nice cup of tea or hot cocoa and watch "The Princess Bride" or something to get some dopamine into that head of yours.//I blurted that out so quickly I didn't realize how honest I was being. Then I hear her stifle a laugh. I get angry at that and look up and see her hand over her mouth. In doing so a get a glance over the office. No one's looking at me. It seems like nobody noticed. Of course they didn't even notice. Well, except this lady laughing at me.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh. It's just not what I was expecting to hear. Umm, you feeling okay?"
[[-"Oh yeah. Just, ya know... your average everyday existential crisis. I'm pretty used to them by now" -> 12A]]
[[-"Would you please just shove off?" -> 12B]]
She chuckles again. "Well if it's an everyday thing I suppose you're fine, I'm Clarise by the way. I work at the cubicle next to yours but I don't think we've properly met."
"Nice to meet you," I tell her, and find myself smiling a bit. Well I might not going on any wild adventures. But I suppose making a friend will do.
THE END. YOU WIN!
[[-Narrator's note -> End 6]]
She promptly leaves.
Well that was a dumb move, although I suppose that checks out for all my other dumb moves today.
//Hello there. It is I, your narrator. As narrator I have the ability to interject as I see fit. First off, what's with the sudden British terminology you used there? "Shove off?" Secondly, that was the wrong thing to do and you know it. You don't even get a "THE END" for this choice. While I already don't approve of your rather boring lifestyle choices I even more don't approve of rudeness. So go back and do it better.////No, no, no. That can't possibly be the correct way to play this game simply based on how utterly anticlimactic it was. You're going about it wrong.
Where's the adventure you crave? Where's the wild story that I would much rather narrate? Did you go this way as a means to spite me?
First you go to work despite all the obviously more exciting means of living I provided for you, and then you call that a win?
I suppose not everyone's cut out for the extravagant lifestyle's I recommend for them. And I guess you did end up having a good day, and that you don't entirely need me to inform you of what an absolute bore you are. Oh, and of course since you found your way here it is part of my job to tell you...
Congratulations.////I believe a common goal shared by many is to have no regrets in one's final moments. Somehow you've managed that in the most depressing way imaginable. I would expect looking up to see a bus coming at you would trigger some sort of fear response in anybody, and normally I'd admire one's ability to accept their death with peace, but definitely not you. So you tried to slam a revolving door? Get over it.//I run around the block and see a mother walking her baby in a stroller. I pick up the baby and kiss it on the forehead. I feel overjoyed at the fact that life exists. The mother on the otherhand does not find my existence so pleasant. After an agressively taking back her child followed by a bone-cracking kick at my scrotum, I realize the fact that life exists isn't always something to be ecstatic for.
[[-Narrator's note -> End8]]
I take my golf clubs, go to the nearby Indian Ridge golf course, place a ball on the tee, and set my sights for the green. I lift up the club, bring it down quickly, and bury it in the dirt.
"Wait a minute," I say to myself, "Golf sucks."
[[-Narrator's note -> End9]]
I wake up for the fourth time today and find I'm too thirsty to drift back off to sleep, so I sluggishly drag myself to the sink...
Except there's no sink located in the ditch I just woke up in.
How much did I drink? What did I take?
Snapping to attention I see this ditch is quite deep. More notably I'm chained to the bottom, three of my toes are missing, and every once and a while someone comes by and spits on me speaking some language I'm unfamiliar with.
I struggle to remember any details of what happened to me, but I am interrupted by an approaching mob with five armed men up front. My heart jumps to my throat as they approach. My panicking mind tries to come up with some way to explain myself, but I inevitably realize that all I have is "I don't remember", which probably won't get me out of this.
[[-Narrator's note -> End10]]//On the very limited list of people allowed to kiss a stranger's baby in public, you are not on that list. I would like you to carefully think of every step of your day you just took, and question deeply within yourself whether you are a proper functioning human being.////I agree. Golf sucks.////Well that was quite the adventure you had there. In fact that was exactly the type of story I would've enjoyed telling, yet somehow you were in no mood to have a narrator giving you choices and managed to go off making your own instead.
That was remarkably rude of you to abandon your narrator like that, not to mention that should've been impossible as I have no idea what drug gives you the ability to break the fourth wall like you did.
As payback I don't think I'll tell you the full story of what happened while you were high off your gourd, but know that it involves a very poor TSA agent, an attempted pilgrimage to Mecca, and many denouncements of the Saudi Arabian government. So I wish you luck piecing together what you can out of that.//