You remember her saying that she was only holding your family back, that she didn't help with anything. You didn't know what to say, cause it was so obviously false. You think [[you cried and tried to tell her->2]] how good a [[mom->Mom]] she was.
It was in [[the study->The Study]] but you don't remember if it was before or after any of the tries.
[[She was snoring really loud one morning->She was snoring really loud]]
Black hair, you remember her being pretty, she was still recovering from [[the surgery]], but it was less noticeable than a few months ago.
You think this was on the futon couch? Or did we have another? you know there was that giant relief map of the US on the wall. Was [[the computer]] in the room still or had we moved it?
It definitely was still in the room, that day [[you played games]] all day. Your brother didn't join as much, he was distracted, more worried? You didn't realize it could actually happen.
You thought it was funny, she was sleeping on [[the couch]]. You only realized [[something was wrong]] after your dad came down and called 911.
The fire truck got there before the ambulance. Mom ended up ok, but you [[didn't really realize]] what happened.
It was green and leafy patterned right? The living room had been remodeled but [[the kitchen]] and family room hadn't yet. Dad still worked at a firm so hadn't dived into [[the bigger projects]].
Dad dived into the [[remodeling]] after. You remember hearing him listening to Sarah McLachlan and crying while working on the house.
There was that side entrance in the old kitchen, dad coming home that day is the last time you remember it. There was a short entrance then the skinny U-shaped kitchen with the 5 gallon water jug on the counter.
Your brother got home earlier from school than you, he was a junior, and you were in [[8th grade]]. [[He saved her life]], would you have known what to do?
[[That made two tries.]]
Mr. Galindo emailed you and told you to take your time coming back to school, but it happened at the start of spring break, so you thought you had enough time and went [[right back]].
You didn't want people to know and treat you weirdly, your friends knew, but you didn't want the whole school to.
Tyler shouted at you "I know what happened" or something like that, you didn't know how to respond.
Dad thought it would be safer for her at the inpatient ward while he was at work. He brought her there and did a tour then had to leave for work. [[The car]] was there still, maybe he biked the rest of the way to work and [[she was going to drive]] home after? You can't remember why.
White Subaru outback, classic Portland. Did your dad still have the old blue [] Mitsubishi truck? Yeah you think so, the new truck came a while later.
After dad left she convinced the staff that she had just come to check out [[the facilities]] and wasn't staying there [[that day]] then left.
You can't remember how long it took for your dad to realize what happened, you aren't sure how much you were aware of what was happening at the time and how much [[your dad]] told you later.
You were proud of the fact you had never been in a hospital before, a fact that made you special because of the home birth. You were nervous you would have to amend the statement to never having been a patient in a hospital, but it didn't have the same ring.
You don't think you ever got a chance to go though?
You don't think?
Maybe you did, you have a fuzzy memory of it but maybe that is imagined?
Dad called the police to report her missing, and then saw she had used a credit card to refill gas near [[the coast]]. [[He drove off]], maybe it was the new [[white Toyota truck]] and not the Mitsubishi? Or did he borrow a neighbor's car?
Dad said that he remembers going to the same spot on [[the coast->the coast 2]] between Cannon Beach and Manzanita earlier in the year with mom and one of his siblings and remarking on how steep the cliff was right next to the parking spot. He felt guilty.
Your brother and you took the day off school and stayed at home [[waiting to hear back]] from dad. You think you were scared and upset, [[hopeful]] that maybe she had just run away and not done more. Maybe she would just make a new life somewhere in California?
You played games most of the day, you don't remember what one, could have been a Civilization game?
Your brother says he realized something was wrong when he hadn't heard from dad in a while. Dad had told him that he was going to check [[one last place]] then [[head home]], then hadn't called for a couple hours.
You were still hopeful when [[he got home]], maybe he hadn't found anything, maybe she was still out there.
He said he was sorry and started crying harder than you can still imagine. You still didn't understand somehow. You don't remember exactly how you realized but you ran from the kitchen to the couch and started yell crying.
[[You spent some time at your neighbors house]]
You think it was the white Toyota? You think a bunch of stuff happened in the summer after 7th grade, new truck, [[new kittens]], and mom's [[acoustic neuroma]] diagnosis.
You remember them not being sure if she would be able to hear out of one ear, or move her face on one side, or see? You can't quite remember, but she slowly got movement and senses back. [[You can't remember]] which side of her face was frozen though, maybe the left?
You can't remember if she was conscious when he got home, you sort of remember her having warned him to leave the house cause the gas was on.
You liked that truck, it had the blue plastic bench seats and was from the year you were born.
[[Moby]] and [[Jane]], very cute kitten siblings. You remember them being small enough to sleep curled up together in a sun hat. Jane died a few months ago, they never got along very well once they were adults.
You can't remember how long it had been since [[Koko]] died when you got the new kittens, maybe a year or so?
Black tuxedo, big, and fat. Pretty chill.
Tabby, small and testy. Let you know when she wanted attention.
Tortoiseshell. You only remember her being grumpy and sleeping all the time, but you loved her so much.
Non-cancerous brain tumor, the doctors recommended that she remove it because it could cause issues if it grew. Dad always thought that something with the surgery or medicine around it caused her to be very happy after the surgery then flip to very depressed a few months later.
You had gone to summer camp at Westwind further south on the coast a few years before. You had a good time, but were scared when one of the counselors took your cabin on a more challenging hike that you had to use a rope to climb down a steep hill into a cove.
You went back in high school and made some good friends doing the [[teen leaders]].
You had a hard time realizing that it could really happen.
The whole back and side of [[the house]] expanded, much bigger kitchen, a little bigger family room, study converted to bedroom with large closet and bathroom.
The Lobelia St. house you moved there after your family rented the house in Lake Oswego for a year when you first [[moved to Portland from Virginia]]. You remember there were gross burgundy shag carpets everywhere that you helped your parents tear up. You could flick the carpet and plumes of dust would shoot up.
Your family left on your sixth birthday, you think you had a party a bit early with a cardboard rocket ship, but maybe that was from another year? It's hard to say what of the trip you actually remember and what is just from stories your dad has told, but you and your brother were strapped down with bungie cords in sleeping bags in the back of the car while your parents drove.
Your mom never liked how much you and your brother played games, you had limits on how much you were allowed to play at a time, though as you got older those limits were relaxed. You also never got a game console, just played games on the family computer.
There is a lot you can't remember about your mom. Or are unsure if you actually remember or just remember people describing her. Or remember pictures as if they were actual experiences.
One of the most vivid visual memories of her you are pretty sure is just a photo, is her up on Mt Hood, maybe [[skiing]]? Or just visiting during the summer, probably at Timberline. She was wearing an eye patch from the surgery.
One thing you definitely remember is skiing with your mom. She went to high school in Switzerland and always had very good form. Your brother and dad were faster than her, but she was very neat.
You remember one day following behind her and trying to match exactly what she was doing and her tracks. You aren't sure exactly what it was but you always felt like after that skiing just clicked better.
You remember being at your [[neighbors house]], you don't think you slept there but you think you were just over there to be around other people while your dad was [[taking care of business]].
You watched About a Boy while over there for some reason which has major plot points about [[suicide]] and moms.
Rebecca and Francesca's house, you had baby sat their son Eli before a few times. You think they had pretty recently moved from around the corner to just across the street.
You remember your dad saying that someone told him she hadn't felt anything because she had probably gone into shock before she hit the ground.
Your dad arranged a [[service]] at the quaker meeting house across town that [[we used to sometimes go to]].
Your mom would describe herself as [[spiritual]]. You found the quaker services to be boring, but sorta nice.
Quaker services are open for anyone to stand and talk, you felt like you should say something but you didn't. You were 13 (14?), what were you going to say?
You can't remember if a lot of family came but you think some did. Most of your family lived on the east coast so you aren't sure.
[[You went to a support group.]]
Hey this gets a bit heavy and personal, and discusses depression and suicide.
Please don't feel obligated to play or keep playing if you aren't comfortable
Thank you for trying it out, I'm still thinking about how to expand on this and adjust it to best explore what I'm thinking about here.
(unless: (passage:)'s name is "Warning")[Exit(click:"Exit")[(reload:)]]
[[You don't remember]] a lot about it, your brother came too. There were some other kids around the same ages. You can't remember if it was just suicide or any sort of death of a parent. You can't remember how many times you went but it probably wasn't more than a month or two.
There was a lot of sitting around campfires and talking, you talked about your mom a bit, which you hadn't done before around friends. [[It was scary]] but felt good to say.
You still don't really talk about it with anyone but your partner. You feel with something like this you are supposed to have some sort of greater knowledge earned through pain. You don't think you have that. You don't want people to think about you differently.
It's been 13 years, you don't remember a lot of it. You don't remember what your mom was like. You only sort of remember what it was first like to lose her.
She had this wooden meditation kneeling stool that you would sometimes try sitting in.
She was always interested in alternative [[medicine]] and other sorts of hippieish things.
She was a nurse, and was interested in becoming a nurse midwife. She worked night shifts so she could be around when you left and came home from school, and sleep when you were at school.