August

Dear Diary, In August, I moved to a new flat. I was so busy sorting out electricity suppliers and storage that I didn't have time to sort through what I wanted to bring with me. I just threw everything in boxes and moved it over. Everything is sorted now, so I'll look through it all and decide what I want to throw out. I'll write things down in my diary, as to keep an inventory of sorts. This is the first [[box->2]]. It's big, bulky and scratched on the sides.

The first object I see is a [picture]<info| of my highschool graduation. (click: ?info)[We were at least 250 to graduate. Still, most people knew each other. ] (link:"The afterparty was glorious!")[(set: $picture to 0)(goto:"3")] (link:"The director's speech was moving.")[(set: $picture to 1)(goto:"3")]

(if: $picture is 0)[The amount of alcohol consumed was unholy. We deserved it, though. Those exams prevented me from watching my TV shows.](if: $picture is 1)[It was weird to see everyone so emotional. It felt more mature, more real. This was really the end of high school life.] I put the picture on (set: $myVar to "my bedtable")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["my bedtable", "the living room wall", "the pile of documents"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link>. Then, I dig into the first box [[again->4]].

The second object I see is a [pen]<info| that doesn't work anymore. (click: ?info)[The end bit has been bit too many times. I stopped doing that with my newer pens, I think. ] (link:"I got it from a boring careers event.")[(set: $pen to 0)(goto:"5")] (link:"The other end serves as a highlighter.")[(set: $pen to 1)(goto:"5")]

(if: $pen is 0)[It's kind of silly. I didn't like having people trying to convice me to study law, and the pen is useless now, but I still keep it. I keep anything that reminds me of distinct periods of my childhood.](if: $pen is 1)[Because of the practicality, I ended up using it throughout my exams. Now everytime I see it, I remember.] I put the pen in (set: $myVar to "my pencilcase")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["my pencilcase", "the left drawer", "the big plastic container of various things"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link>. Then, I dig into the first box [[again->6]].

The third object I see is a [flyer]<info| for an event that has long gone in a place I long left. (click: ?info)[I keep holding on and I wish I knew how to let go, but I'm so terribly afraid of forgetting. ] (link:"I got it at a dance festival; my teacher was performing.")[(set: $flyer to 0)(goto:"7")] (link:"I definitely enjoyed the music festival I got it at.")[(set: $flyer to 1)(goto:"7")]

(if: $flyer is 0)[I've stopped dancing but I think back to the few performances I did fondly.](if: $flyer is 1)[The best music is heard when your friends invite you to go to the center of town on a whim and turns out the people playing at the free concert aren't that bad.] But I can't keep (set: $myVar to "hoarding")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["hoarding", "piling up", "thinking back and feeling sad and staring at all those small"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> things. I pretend that I got over it and dig into the [[second box->8]], which is smaller and thinner. It has been carefully handled, and it shows.

The first object I see are my [headphones]<info| which I got a great price for. (click: ?info)[The bass sounds amazing. And it can go very, very loud. ] (link:"I wish I had more time for music production.")[(set: $headphones to 0)(goto:"9")] (link:"I wish I had bought that cajon while it was on sale.")[(set: $headphones to 1)(goto:"9")] (link:"I wish I knew of more songs which have deep bass material.")[(set: $headphones to 2)(goto:"9")]

(if: $headphones is 0)[Then again, I always work on something else in my to-do list when I have time for recording.](if: $headphones is 1)[Then again, when would I have time to practise? I already neglect my ukulele.](if: $headphones is 2)[Then again, I have too many saved Spotify playlists that are begging to be listened to.] I put the headphones on (set: $myVar to "the table")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["the table", "the table, where else?", "the table. Who are we kidding. I use them constantly"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link>. I still haven't thrown anything away. I mean, of course I shouldn't throw away my headphones. But like, food for thought. I sit on the floor for a while. Then, I dig into the second box [[again->10]].

The second object I see is my (set: $myVar to "maths textbook")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["maths textbook", "list of potential internships", "motivation dropping"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link>. (link:"I could be doing a bit of programming right now.")[(set: $choices to 0)(goto:"11")] (link:"I could be watching a movie about film theory.")[(set: $choices to 1)(goto:"11")] (link:"I could be on my path to becoming an entrepreneur.")[(set: $choices to 2)(goto:"11")] (link:"Wait no. Not just an entrepreneur. THE entrepreneur.")[(set: $choices to 3)(goto:"11")] (link:"People would watch my videos and comment with 'inspirational'.")[(set: $choices to 4)(goto:"11")]

I realise I was holding (set: $myVar to "my breath")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["my breath", "the thing so tightly", "myself to impossible standards"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link>. I pause for a bit. I don't do that enough; [just]<info| [sitting]<info1| [there]<info2| [without]<info3| [doing]<info4|. (click: ?info)[I think too much.] (click: ?info1)[I think about how I think and feel bad about not doing] (click: ?info3)[When instead I should be feeling bad about not letting myself go thoughtless] (click: ?info4)[All these things are not preventing me from breathing, I am] I dig [[again->12]] into this neverending pile.

A memo. A tiny piece of paper with the movie I'm going to see tomorrow with my friends. Like a housewarming party except I knew I wouldn't be ready So we would be going out to celebrate instead. I have a box to my left and a box to my right Yet I am in the middle. I am present physically in this space and I can (set: $myVar to "pick up things")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["pick up things", "drop things", "walk to the other side of the room", "stay still", "see how long I can hold my breath", "play charades with myself","mumble insults under my breath","imagine a whole orchestra performing a Radiohead song in my living room"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link>. I am [[here->13]].

(if: $picture is 0)[I am a glorious drunken afterparty.](if: $picture is 1)[I am a girl holding her tears while the director is talking.] I am also (if: $pen is 0)[a bored HR employee distributing pens at their stall.](if: $pen is 1)[black text becoming bright yellow within an instant.] Then, I am (if: $flyer is 0)[dancing to the best tunes.](if: $flyer is 1)[bobbing my head up and down to the best tunes.] When I feel like it, I am [awake]<info| (click: ?info)[[asleep]<info2|] (click: ?info2)[[everywhere]<info3|] (click: ?info3)[[in my room]<info4|] (click: ?info4)[[in my bed]<info5|] (click: ?info5)[[asleep]<info6|] (click: ?info6)[[[most definitely.->14]]]

Max: [yo]<info| (click: ?info)[Max: [so bout the movie]<info2|] (click: ?info2)[Max: [u still up for it?]<info3|] (click: ?info3)[Max: [still sleeping?]<info4|] (click: ?info4)[Max: [u can't sleep past 10 in this world, dear.]<info5|] (click: ?info5)[Max: [gotta go fast.]<info6|] (click: ?info6)[Max: [; )]<info7|] (click: ?info7)[[//Well, maybe I can.//]<info8|] (click: ?info8)[[//Dear Diary, this was my day in August.//]<info9|] (click: ?info9)[[ //With Love,//]<info10|] (click: ?info10)[[[//Yours Truly.//->15]]]

August by Vaida Inspired by: Detritus by Mary Hamilton My blue days And the fact that when I finished this Twine, it started raining. Thank you for playing.